no longer using this blog.. i missed blogger but gona start using xanga now..

www.xanga.com/everything2mii

lova ya all!!

random ramblings

i know it's been a long time since i started blogging. there's been too much going on.



lately, ive been doing alot of thinking. i just keep wondering what's the use of this blog here. there a number things i would realy wanna write it down but becoz of not hurting ppl's feeling..i dont ..



gotta start with this. started skype during the holidays and since then, i met this girl in australia and some other friends.. from all the world and kirra, the girl.. she's real nice.. she's a doctor...jonathan..has the cutest british accent. he's from london! lovy dovy!!!..



ivin's coming over later to hang out at the park..

*2 hours later

came bak from the park with ivin..saw a few little new born puppies.. they're lyk omg the cutest thing i've ever seen in my life! ><>

dad and i still havent talk. everyone just fucking assumes everything's gona be alright! well , IT WONT!
i dont know what's the problem here.ppl just argh.. i sooo hate it now! im full of rage and anger right now. i dont know how to control and also express my angers and feelings to anyone!

i just wanna get this 5 months over and get 2 months off at home. i cant wait for it to happen. i need it! many shits has happen. ppl that i care bout are leaving me. everyone's changing. the one guy whom i can trust, dont see to be able to anymore, dad and i hate each other, fell for someone but getting the heart broken, watching someone else taking someone i care about away. Arghh n soo much more. i just cant finish writing them.

i just feel lyk any minute now im about to lose it. everything seems even out of place than before. before i met u, at least i wasnt doing this.. at least i wasnt sulking much.. now i just cant stop thinking bout it. ur always on my mind no matter how freakkin hard i tried to get u off it. ur always everywhere. wheverer i go, wherever i am, ppl just reminds me of you. its either ur name pops up sumwhere or sumones says ur name. i just cant take it anymore. i dont know why!

anywayz had alot of fun with kirra and chris on skype! u guys are the most amazing audience ever!! love love love <3>

pushing it to the limit..

what am i going to do now?

i seriously dont know what i should do. what should i do? no where seems to fit well for me long enough to feel belonged. everywhere i turn to is a problem. family. friends. best friend. love. u. me. her. him. erghh.

u think im the toughest all the time but im not. i have feelings too. i have my own problems. im not gona sit down there and listen to u guys ranting and telling me all ur problems and expect me to sit there cry wid u. what about me? think, have u guys been there for me through all these shits and fucked up problems? NO!

i saw ur blog juz then. yeah seems lyk u had more fun than i did during my bday.

i keep trying to tell myself, yeah maybe they're right sometimes, maybe im selfish and all and i try to be there for u guys. whenever u guys need me, i'll always be at ur doorstep and come lookin for u guys. whenever ur sick, i brought u food. to be honest,remember the whole thing u done at my house? i got all the freakkin blame.. juz so my mom wont go tell urs.. i took the whole shit in by myself and where were u guys?? ur excuse was becoz u were afraid?

where did all of it went? those good times. i remember we used to have soo much fun. going to each other's house. playing dressed up. spending time at the park. where did all that went? us calling ech other everyday. just to talk random stuffs? i really miss my " best friends " .

u may think im selfish and all but i rather speak how i feel than lying to u all the time. pretending nothing happen. i was deleting and writing all over again. and deleting again.

fell sick during the first day of school reopens. and my freakkin head hurts soo much now. i've said alot and i need a break from everything.

car accident...

was on the way to watch iron man and a bunch of crazy people crashed into dad's car. the front part of the car was all crashed up. :( but thank god no one suffered from serious injuries.
mom and i were shocked. mom hit her head and was hurting. dad was so pissed off and went down the car and started talkin to those bunch of guys. at first i thought they were gona hit dad as there were lyk 7 of them and we oni got DAD. yikes! ><

after everythin.. we came back home and everyhting went back lyk usual. Mom started cookin and Dad started fixing stuff. Bro started playin wid the computer and as usual, i was called around doing stuffs all day! ><>

i wanna rewind back to this morning first tho. was talkin to vic the whole morning.. as usual, blast off everything to him bout mom and dad, lil brother and shit happens and stuff. vic's probably the only guy who understands me the most. i never thought i could opened to someone so much and most of all a guy. when vanessa asked me if victor meant alot to me, i didnt know what to say so i said no.. but im havin doubts bout what i said.. maybe victor does means alot to me. more than i think he would be.

tomorrow's first day of school after the second term holiday. Im pretty sure no one wants to go back to school and IM INCLUDED but to think that i could actually meet my friends again! *stephie.jules.kj.cal.lex * MII dont care if i have to do all my homeworks too tonite.

probably gona go now. dont feel lyk staying on anyway...nothing much for me to care and think bout

ps : THANKS VIC!! FOR EVERYTHING <3>

getting addicted to ...

i just finished watching this youtube video..
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gQNY7Sti8FY

i totally understand what she means right now. and it actually caught me thinkin.. it's true, i dont really remember most of my childhood doing stuffs wid friends and family members but instead..staying at home playing computer, aim, phone and tv and everything.

as everything's begining to be more expensive, petrol, food, flour, egg, milk, sugar and even electricity and water bills. mom and dad was talking bout it and saying that no longer can spend extra..luxiouries like going on shoppin should be cut down.

to be honest..things arent really going on well at home. probably some of you who knows me, heard my mom shouting over the phone and through the line.. seriously, it's getting soo bad right now. i dont know what i can do much anymore because i really dont know and it's outta my control and knowledge to handle it but seriously, it's heartbreakin to see it happen over and over again when they say it's their last..
this time, im keepin everything in becoz i realised there's no point in tellin anyone bout it, ( it's not even something good to know anyway ) but i really gotta let it out this time.. everytime it feels like im about to lose it.

i stopped drinkin some time ago but took a couple last nite.. and it felt good. i felt soo release and relaxed after takin it. mom found out bout me taking some of it.. i thought she would flipped but all she said was, dont drink so much. dad's always freakkin not around at home. mom's always pissed about it. dad pretty much dont care bout anything and i thnk mom has given up on him.

sometimes im really scared that they might break up and i have to choose between the two. i dont want my family to fall apart but what if it does? who will be there to hold me? who will be there to support me? no one..

going insane

finally back to reality check that school reopens in two more days. Sum part of me dont want to go back to school becoz i had found alot of interesting things to do durin the holidays but on the other hand, i wanna be able to be close to my friends again. Most of all, you.

It's weird how i actually agreed to go IKEA wid mom when i dont really want to go anywhere but just sticking my lazy ass on the bed and sleep all i want. Had a " nice time " wid kirra and cherelle. Best interenet buddies! ( we'll always have wipped cream wid chocolate, vannila and strawberry flavours " * blushed * LOL

Anyway, like i said i didnt feel like going anywhere because i was so freakkin tired from last nite but what the heck.. i realise i didnt really spend much time with my parents during the holidays. As a matter of a fact, we never spend time together for a very long long time. For instance, was supposed to go Port Dickson tomorrow but because i dont know why, we're NOT GOING ANYMORE. Dont wanna talk bout it anymore.

So..i bought quite some things for myself in IKEA. Got a silver-metallic notice board for my room. ( for later in future, if so happens fight wid mami and daddy, can guna lo ), bought a new plant for fresh air and some stuff but i cant remember anymore.

Anyway.. ima go help mom cook now!

How long has it been that I have been running from my fears?
Days? Weeks? Or years?

How I looked away from seeing your smile, and yet stroking your hair while you were asleep every once in a while.
I could not have told you by mouth with my heart filled with doubt.
What I felt was more than just love for love is but a word.
Every verse of your life became the words filling my heart like a book.
But losing you was like the torn pages you took, ripping my heart apart.
We have not dreams but memories, times we may sometimes forget.
But yet, they were all so perfect.

written by Joey Tham

ramblings for TODAY

finally finished up my english lit notes.. pretty tired from everything. it's been raining in the evening practically everyday. makes the day pass by even faster. birthday's finally here and gone. couldnt celebrate wid stephie and jules tho. Wonder what are they doing lyk rite now? MUAHAHAHAH can't wait to get back to school to see them.

talking bout school.. dont think i'll be going to school on tuesday. And ITS BECAUSE I HAVE SUMWHERE TO GO! lol. wonder what the outcome would be like. cant wait to tuesday!!

begining to join skype too :D add me up! ( babymanda0530 ) = )
finally got rid of the whole pop up window thingy yay!

there's plenty to come next week when i head back to school and like really for the first time, staying in class and studying after the PHANTOM OF THE OPERA is over. not a day goes by where i dont miss it! all the fun times we had through ups and downs. Lucky i have pictures xD

currently watching the house of carters! AND I CANT STOP IT NOW!! NICK AND AARON ARE SOOO HAWT!!! <3>

anyzways gona go to qiao se's house to pick her up to the park. Promise would take her out and have fun! so im out! LOL

confused =]

all my life..

right now im so speechless i dont even know what i should write because all three of u get me so fucking confusing! i dont know wht the fuck u guys expect from me.

i thought u were different from the others..maybe too quick to judge but i thought there was a moment where we had fun together but looks like it's just my misunderstanding and it's me thinking too much. luckily it's not that late for me to turn back yet.

it's all pouring out..

today's resolution ~

1. finish all my homework
2. clean up my room :D

havent been getting a real sleep since the walk last night on saturday till now.

feeling pretty crappy. feeling wrong. feeling right. feeling crazy. feeling unwanted. feeling ' dont know what to feel" . feeling sappy. feeling happy. feeling unhappie. feeling angry. feeling emotional. feeling dont belong. feeling like the end of world is about to come. feeling helpless. feeling " why is this happeninng "

there's so much im feeling now that i dont know how to feel anymore. it's has always been about other people never myself. i always take out my heart and wear in on my sleeves. im always there for them but never was they for me. starting to feel being used and taking for granted. everytime it happens, i keep telling myself that it's okay and maybe they didnt mean it but after that day, i doubt if im still a friend to them. or am i just some reason, some people they find they are bored, some excuse they used to just get out from somewhere or someone.

this holidays sucks most. ESpecially on my Burfdaii. i just feel like...
i know i may not be the " BESTED" friend anyone can have but at least i know, i try to be there whenever i can for u guys. but u were never there for me. Ask urself this Question. Did U ever TAKE ME FOR GRANTED? coz i think u did. im never gona be able to be friends with u like i can anymore. No matter how much i want to but it's enough that im feeling all this crap and yet to be taking advantage off all the fucking time.

( im not saying that i cant survived without u guys coz there's so much other people who cares about me but im just disappointed )

I just can't believe your gone,

still waiting for morning to come,

wanna see if the sun wil rise,

even without you by my side.

When we had so much in store,

tell me what is it i'm reaching for.

When we're through building memories,

i'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart.

trying to take a step at a time. trying to catch my breath. trying to find the moments i've missed. trying to be strong again.

gona go take my shower and get ready for Jo.ZeLyn.CheongHong.Joey.

thanks to Jo and ZeLyn for taking all the trouble to make later the evening works. I know my birthday is over and yet u guys are gona celebrate it again with me =] Really really happy.

Many Thanks to Ivin and Weishin And Takwai and Leon for the bear. I love it soo much <3> N nicholas and Tak Wai again for the flowers ^^

tomorrow's the DAY

last nite. it happened again. what am i supposed to do now? am i really that ungrateful? am i really that stupid and not worth it? i feel so unloved by my families. everything has always been a lie hasnt it? the craziest thing is that im still here when i should have long gone away.

all i wanna do now is just to celebrate my burfdaii on friday and have at least some good time. the fact that u couldnt make it tomorrow hurts alot. just wont tell you face to face it's because ur so cold to me nowadays that i dont even know if we're still trying to make it work.

i just wish sometimes i could be invisible. be isolated from everyone for a bit then it wouldnt feel tat bad i guess. I really wanna know how does it feel to be invisible.

have been talking to yew kwan for almost 3 hours. thank god i had yew kwan to talk to today, vin and wei ( tuition ) victor ( busy la aiyorh ) ka-shing ( i seriously dont know what he wants ) joshie ( not on yet ) stephie ( went to EUROPE EDI ..without mii ><>

fell in love wid the song..last christmas by ashley tisdale. it felt like CZ* even tho it's a long time.
in less than 8 hours...my bday will be here >< =] cant wait for MV

Many Thanks To ><
Ivin Babe. Weishin Dear. Nic and Leon. for * will * making this happen. <3>< * gg/.

ahaha. spend the whole morning talking to ivin. can't believe that my burfdaii is on friday. and then yew kwan and scott joined in. how funny. hahaha

20 minutes later.

skipped dinner and havent even taken my shower. guess i better go soon. tomorrow's another day :p

lack of..

i dont know what i should do now. was on stickam with jules and conor but didnt feel like staying any longer. kinda boring today. so0oo0 i guess i'll make a blog today. but what am i gona say? ><

lack of attention.
having lack of attention can make u wan attention from people and by that means, doing stupid and crazy things to get people's attention. i used to be like that. i am still sometimes but i've learn that this isnt a good habit so im gona stop it. but sometimes u cant help it but wanting attention right ? ><>

lack of attentiveness
i've begining not to pay attention in class and things that i do. Like all of a sudden, i just lost the spirit to study. whenever im in class, and when the teacher is teaching, i just dont seem to pay attention. my grades are falling down like OMG n to be honest, i dont really care bout my studies but i want to. i just dont know how to anymore.

lack of sanity
i've lost my sanity. WHY DO I SAY SO? it's because i've been doing insane stuffs like cutting myself and taking uncountable panadols for nothing. i lock myself in the room whenever i come home. i never smile anymore. i never seem to be happy anymore. i never screamed at my mom before but i changed that fact last 2 nights. what the f* is wrong wid me??

lack of security.
lately, i've been so insecure. everyday day. now and then, i cant help but thinking im gona lose something. someone. things that i love and treasure most. i have lost my faith in most of the things.

somehow i really wanna continue to write this blog but tears just suddenly keep coming out and i think i better stop before i wet the laptop. i miss victor soo much. i miss jules so much. i miss stephie soo much. i miss people that i love soo much. wish u were right here now. then i wouldnt have to feel so alone and left out. im so scared.

hanging on a thin thread

she can't love u like how i did.
she can't kiss u like how i did.
she cant touch u like how i did.

there's nothing that i want more than some chocolate fudge and a nice massage. there are many stuffs that i need to do this whole 2 weeks of hols. homeworks first. revision. mostly are related to school. i dont know how else i can do this. just seems like nothing is going right. i mean, i tried looking at it in a positive way. but it just wont work. like mom and dad, they WOULD NEVER KNOW. it's very obvious that im feeling soo much pain and it's partially coz of them and yet they just keep doing it.

like last night. was supposed to sing karaoke with mom after coming back from JUSCO. i asked her for the first time, which cd does she wants. she never reply. I ask her the SECOND time. no reply again. the third time i asked her, which CD does she wants then she answer me. the same one as the earlier one. ( we used so many CD earlier the day, how the hell am i supposed to know which one?) so i asked her. there was soo many cd, which want? she got pissed. and threw the microphone on me and said. FINE DONT SING!

i just sat there like wtf?? im supposed to be the one being angry and yet she threw the microphone on me?? so, to avoid further arguements, i went upstairs and didnt come down. this morning, she woke up and came downstairs and asked me why i was so moody, why didnt i wished her good morning? SEE HOW PEOPLE CAN JUST PRETEND LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED EVEN THO SOMETHING FUCKING HAPPEN!

earlier this month i was soo eager to celebrate my brithday, but with this all happening, i dont have the mood anymore. i dont think i care so much bout my birthday anymore. Probably dad doesnt even know that next friday is my birthday. he doesnt even know how old i am!! had the guts to ask me. x{

sometimes i just feel like leaving. Leaving everything behind and just run away and go somewhere where no one knows me and just start all over again. then, i would feel more belong. because seriously i dont feel belong here anymore. like what jules and stephie say, sometimes friends cant top most stuff. ( eveen though i love u guys alot!! ) i guess i need to get away and really go clear out things and find a clearer picture of what everything has happened.

maybe i will. no matter, it would definitely be better than what i have now. at this moment, i finally realise, i cannot pretend anymore. i cannot pretend that everything is alright anymore. because IT ISNT!!

FALLING APART. THAT's WHAT IT IS!!

whatever..

today was pretty tiring. totally skipped most of the classes today..and gone to counselling. Told her most of the things that i pretty much am dealing with right now. been talking to daddy the whole day ever since i got back from school. i seriously dont know what have i turn into.

and the thing about the website..it's getting adddictive and i know it's not right but still i did it. " whatever i did, stays online " excuse is not good enough for what has happened. haihhh so wish i someone i could turn to instead of going to that stupid website.

lucky jules! lucky stephie! XOXOXOXOXOXO

havent been eating in a while and probably wont be for anytime soon. probably just let me die off like that right now. then i wnt have to deal with all these crap! soo hate it right now ={

sorry babe

jules
sorry babe, didnt know u had a row with ur parents last night but i waited for u the whole night, could have at least told me. not everything revolves around me, yeah i know it doesnt. Dont want it ever to be too. hope ur okay. really sorry if i wasnt understanding enough. didnt mean it. had a bad too last night, wish u were there to talk to

time to party XD

had a rough start. went to cahaya for the luncheon thingy due honouring the play " the Phantom of The Opera ". everything was going on well until some stupid bitch provoke us calling us sluts and showing us bloody middle finger. she has no idea that what she is dealing with. the only reason she is probably is still alive is because i havent cut her off yet.

Thankgod Shaun was there to hold Jules up before she did anything that could stupid. im actually happy that everything about the phantom is over and not because i hate it . I LOVE IT.. it's just, u cant be stuck at one phase forever, gotta move on and wait for better things to come.

the day before, we celebrate Teacher's Day. It was a nice day. I enjoyed the SILVER FLARE's performances and the teachers as well. It was so entertaining. The teachers really enjoyed themselves, i think that was the happiest day of all teachers. U GUYS ARE THE BEST.

picture time xD

jules and me

getting all emo-ed up

it's me

jules and me again xD

superman
XP

it's us again

i come in peace yay!

halleluyah

caught red handed! ahaha

can't get enough

gotcha this time..u can't run no more wakakakaka

one and only me xP

kisses forever!

too much fun lex! bilah,adam,farhan and khaleel..can't get enough of the phantom huh?? xD

omg..it has been a long long time since we had arguements.. stupid ARGUEMENTS!!. I guess ur the only person that can actually make me laugh. OMG remember those times.. 5 oclock IN THE MORNING?? it feels like it was just yesterday. life has definitely been better with you in it. Not just being a friend, but also someone to turn to whenever i have problems * yes, i do tell u all the stuffs and no ur not being perasan* lol what will i do without you one day. i mean i can't see a day where i wont rant and tell u everything or whatsoever im feeeling. Of course i do have my girlfriends to tell everything to. like stephie and jules and all. but the thing is.. i dont know. anyhow, im grateful to have u as someone who is part of my life.

LOVE YA ALWAYS...

* can u believe it though, it's been a year plus since we've known each other and it just feels like it was recently. xD xD daddy khai :D * may not be as thoughtful as u think, but i still remember ur name .. xx

bout dear.bout me.bout him.bout everything.

when i saw ur face, couldnt help but cry
thought i got over you but clearly i wasnt even close to it.
trying to control my feelings but can't help but looking back
looking towards u again hoping somehow u'll tell me one day
you love me as much as i did

feeling sick and sick and sick. trying to get over the fact that the POTO is over. NO WAY!! everything just happened so quickly and before we could even stop it, it was over already. luckily everyone's still tight together. heard about the china earthquake :S JUST HANG ON PEOPLE IN CHINA!

studying sej now and i really really cant get it in my head. totally gona need the extra tutoring with jules and stephie. practically now when im in class, i feel so dumb because most of the time i dont know what the teacher is talking about but feeling bad if i asked the teacher to explain all over again, it'll hold back everyone. not fair to the others. probably have to come back to school for extra classes during the holidays. ( just told mom about it but scolded me for telling her now while she's playing mahjong. wth? )

hmm dont know what else to update except i miss my dear so much now xD
probably god thinks that it's time to move on from him, so He sent u to me de dear. lolx cant imagine that just merely of 4 months knowing each other, we're becoming so tight together that i dont feel like separating from u lerh. whenever ur not around i just miss u soo much that it hurts. wanting to call you just to hear ur voice but afraid it's too much for u. learning all these stuffs slowly so ya have to be patient with me all the time. so sorry orh. ur always the one who's waiting for me to come on, waiting for me to come back from school.. always WAIITNG lol xP really wish to see dear soon. hope to see ya on my bday :P

we're not together though. needing time to forget him, got u suffering really makes me feel so guilty. u tell me ur not angry at the fact that i still love him but i know ur really really unhappy deep down. i hope one day this all will pay off. we're gona be together one day xD looking upon those days. being loved by you is the greatest present u can ever give to me. lolx

the last time..

sometimes i just feel like there is no else but myself. U can never trust anyone with ur secrets, ur feelings, urself. No one ELSE but only you.

all this while, i've been hurt.thrown around.scolded.bitched about. and i know it all sums up and there are many people who are far more worst than what im feeling now but i have feelings too. U people need not understand me or listen to me but at least treat me with respect. JUst like everyone else. Im no different. Im not an animal. Im just someone who wants to be respect.

im not gona mention names but i think u know who u are. u gotta leave me alone. this is the only the last time im taking in ur shits and whatever. doesnt mean that i tolerate u and keep quiet everytime u do it, it means i dont care and u can just continue doing it. ITS NOT RIGHT TO FUCKING BACKSTAB PEOPLE!! BARE IN MIND.

if u want me to respect u, first of alll u gotta learn to respect me.

oh yeah, dear im so sorry that i didnt talk to you just now. Didnt mean to. Didnt want u to know soo much about all this. most of all, didnt want u to worry. =[
wish u were here now.

wishes..wishes..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KHOO JUN & JAMIE

9th MaY!!

something.somewhere

it's another 5 minutes before i gotta go to school. Just realise i didn finish my bio assignment. Gona have to rush it in school or else.. gona stay outta the class! Everything has just gone so crazy. I dont know why. Somehow, when things seems to get better, something bad always happen. Not only me but to people around me. Is it me? The one that brings the bad luck to people around me, people whom i care and love.

Gona go now..getting late
I'll try and post one when i get back from school :P

Love Love Love

i miss the practises we have for the play.It's almost 2 weeks now since the play is over. It has alot of good times. Everyone had fun and of course there's always ups and downs. Fortunately, everyone of us hold on to each and everyone..and finally put up a good show!

homeworks..plenty coming in. Gonna do them now and then waiting for baobei de phone call :P

today was quite a day. First day finally without the practice of Phanton Of The Opera. It's finally over. But somehow, whenever i wear the shirt..anything that reminds me of it, my heart aches. I miss it soo much. So much memories in it. Everyone of us gone through rough patches together.. ups and downs. Crying and laughing.. Everything we've been throough can never be replaced. Some of us didnt even talk to each other before the play even took place. I just wanna say im glad that it happened because then, i met such wonderful ppl like u guys! Shaun..Eli..Krystal..Christine..HaoWei..Joshua.. And also Jules..Stephie..Alex..Bilal..Calvin..Kj..Shaun..Min Yee...Jia Yung.. You guys gave me the best memories. I'll never forget them

I'll remember you
No matter what you guys going through
In my heart you guys are forever my sweethearts
I'll Remember You Guys

Lately i've also begin to think about love. One guy i can't never meet, him i would like to give my whole heart to. But is this all just lies.. ANd it's just a dream from a dream. Maybe it wasnt meant to be like this but somehow it just did. And after all these, we have to forget them. Oh I swear, i had such wonderful times with you. Times where i would give a million things to feel again. But somehow, somewhere isnt right.

it's 5 in the morning now i have no idea what i wanna do. i know i should get more rest but somehow, something in me, i dont know.. i havent be able to sleep the whole night.

What i did, was it right? Why all of a sudden, im having feelings for you? This couldnt be happening? I thought i told myself never to fall for someone anymore. But yesterday was reallly nice and fun. I never thought we will have conversations like this. N when u actually called me ur bao bei.. ( was actually surprise and blushing ) i had the urged to calll u mine too. Is this happening?

Dont know if i should stop all this before it's too late.. before the feelings goes too deep. But somewhere in my heart tells me i should give it a try and see where u'll bring us go if we eventually be together. I wish there is one day like this because after 6 months of knowing u.. ur someone who would love and takkaire of ur partner without letting her be in sadness or sorrows..

I should go know.. it's time for me to go get ready. Today's the last show. I know im gona miss it somehow.

it's been a long week. It's been a long time since i wrote a blog and that's cuz mom's has been always watching and keeping an eye on me. There's still nagging of course and it's tiring. I come home from school, wanting rest and she wont give it to me but instead start nagging me or asking me to take her stuffs even though she could do them herself and SHE KNOWS IM TIRED!!

Last night was pretty tiring. Everyone's pretty exhausted on the Thursday show.. Muscle soaring.. Bones cracking. I even got a few more expressions lines on my forehead. Haihx. All of us did a great job! But i can't help thinking, what will happen when this is all over. All of us will just go back to our class and go on with our lives forgetting all these? Some of us, we barely new each other.
Moving on. Tonight's the night! The night most of us has been waiting for. Judging Night for our play! Today's audience are mostly professionals and parents. Unlike last night, our school ppl really dont give a shit. They just boo people on stage and even threw papers. There's still other schools students there, and ur caring the school name, learn to be more professional.

Have to go soon, cause in a few more hours, gona go to school and get a pre practice before the play. And im still in pajamas and my dorky spectacles listening to Touch My Body =.=... Okayy...

GOna go now.. mom's awake!

do you feel this way?

the way like i feel for you?

cause if you really do

please show me something

or i'll never know u do..

today was the second day we had full day rehearsal ( wid the costume too! ) and well everyone looked great except me cause everything was so big and dramatic.. or was it meant to be like this? I dont know why somehow i can't wait for the day till we actually perform but that would mean we will never go for practice like we are now.. Dont know if we'll still talk to each other after the play? Lol... i think too much :S

talking to the person who understands me after my parents and my friends.. thank you for being there all along. Through ups and downs, u have showed that ur a really nice friend. i really appreciate it!

i'll write something more tomorrow

because of you..

over at my cousin's house right now.

- mom's playing mahjong. dont know if she's winning or not and grandma keeps showing the sad face! maybe's she's losing.. poor thing
- just learnt how to cook kari fried chicken and sotong. HEHEHE..
- still havent done a piece of homework. Chemisry. Maths. Add Maths. English. Biology. Accounts.
- drama night is only a few days away and i think i suck at my role.
- never thought i would be here again but once again..i kept thinking bout what happen that day. u took away something from me..

just finished dinner and.. im wishing i could go home as soon as i can because i dont wanna stay here anymore. all i wanna do is just go get a good night rest. many things has happen!

mom's always tries to make me feel bad about myself, no matter. The fact i can't cook. im fat. im ugly. im not smart. im always the bad sheep in the family. everything's MY faul@..

because of you
i never stray too far from the side walk
because of you
i learned to play on the safe side
so i don't get hurt
because of you i find it hard to trust
not only me, but everyone around me
because of you
i am afraid

it's all coming back to me now

Today was kinda bizarre. Well, there's a lot to say for today. Firstly.. I dissected a rat! Muahahaha. Was really really frightened cuz i never dissected anything before! It was my first time seeing stuffs like that. Jules and Stephie was really enjoying it. Stephie took the tail back as sourvenior and as for Jules, she took the skin. Lol .. We had quite a lotta fun! Definitely we stink alright but yeah.. it was fun!

I dont know why lately, i feel kinda sick. Having headaches all the time. Feeling restless and always have stomach aches. Maybe it's not enough of sleep or rest.. I hope i wont be sick during wednesday! Wish mommy and daddy can actually make it for the play! No matter how terrible the costume looks like, i'll still work my best in my character.

As for him, hmm. I dont think i like him as much as i think i do. I'm not saying i don't. I do but it's just after all that has happen, kinda wanna put more effort on my studies rather than all these love relationships kinda thing. Still, i had fun. We giggled. We laughed. We played. That was more than enough. I'm happy enough to be his friend. But i dont know why, everytime when i see him wid someone else, i feel really sad and hurt.

Things had definitely gone better than the past few weeks. It could go better and i hope it does.

i wish for you to be happy
for you and her to be ever and ever
you and me, its as though it was a dream
just let it pass and slip

i dont really know what happen today because im kinda blurred myself too. First, i finally gone to Accounts class after missing it for almost 2 months. Left behind, i try to understand what she's teaching but seriously i can't cope wid it. So Blurred!

During practice, well it wasnt really that bad except for those ppl who keep saying i fell on the bed and all the shit just makes me wanna cry. Lol, it's no big deal falling down. Im sure everyone has but why do they make it into a big deal? Stephie Jules and Me.. We had a great time today trying to find the suitable 'evil laugh ' for jules's character.. Wa-ka-ka-ka-ka! lolx .. ( laughing our heads off ****.**** )

Got tons and tons of homework to do today so not gona stay on long. Thought of staying on to wait for JOSH! but ur not on..so gona go now x][[

in computer class now..



there's many stuffs that i missed out in classes already..so i dont really know what she is talking about.



was in history class just before this.. finally felt like doing a decent class work after so long. it's almost time's up. Gona go for accounts class. Another class to feel dumb again because i've been missing tons and tons of classes! I dont know if i can be able to catch up.



Alright it's time to go now.. update it when i can <3

i learned something though.. sometimes..nvr judge a thing by it's look..

i dont know if i should be disappointed or depressed because i really never expected u to do all this and most of all, hate me that much...because i never did. well..i guess wrong then. but it doesnt hurt that much or really offends me cuz i dont wanna be like you. before, i didnt know what to do so whenever u do stuffs to me, all i knew was nothing but to cry. but now.. i know u'll never stop until i put the fullstop to it.

well, enough about u.. let's talk about the play. well, everything went okayly okay. Tomorrow's the full-dress rehearsal and it's another 6 days to the actual performing night. Kinda nervous cause im in the first act. With the dress.. lol, ( looks kinda weird-ish )..hope everything really goes well cus i dont wanna ruin it. After all many teacher's put blood and sweat in it and OF COURSE WE TOO!!.. xD

i know mending stuff takes time and mending relationships takes even a longer time. Mom and Dad.. im really sorry bout the whole blog thing. I didnt mean for it to hurt you or lose ur trust or anything. It's just there are stuffs where u just can't tell anyone and when u dont u feel very very painful and so i wrote them in the blog.

Gona go take my shower after a while more and then get started with the homeworks and all.

it's 5 in the morning and im still tired. but eventually gonna have to wake up later. might as well finish up the blog.
told a friend wad happen but he didnt say much, only that he doesnt know and he had to go..
when i needed you most.. u weren't here. all these happenings, is it telling me it's time to let go and just forget you.

things havent gone the way i thought it would be.

things gotten worst.. i seriously dont know what you want from me. why is it u have to act like a bitch and tell everyone to bitch bout me and the next second, showing me what a good friend you are by pretending nothing has happened. how can u do that?

honestly.. i really dont know how i should do this anymore.. i shouldnt care much bout what ur doing but u were my friend.. six years.. and still are and how can i just leave it when things arent getting any better.

gona do other one later tonight.. when everyone's asleep.. when no one can see me cry

thanks josh and jules.. xP

losing it

mom found out about the blog and now she's pissed. She wants to know who was the guy i kept talking about and everything else in the blog. Letting her read was already good enough and it wasnt because i wanted to, but she forced me to give her the password or she would go to school and make a big fuss about it. The thing is, i dont know how to tell her everything because whenever i tried to, she never listens but only screams. How am i supposed to even talk to her bout everything when helping my friends and being there for my friends, lending my ears on the phone, she calls it a waste of time and called them rubbish? How can u do that? Its bad enough that u dont respect me but ur not respecting my friends and called them rubbish despite the fact u dont know the whole story.

Things have gone way outta control and its still is. Plus, people in school treats me like im dirt or shit. It's like i have no feelings. Isolating me from everyone, i dont know but i guess it makes u feel satisfied because u got everyone manipulated and thinking that i would make a big thing of it. And when i didnt, u tried to bring me down by telling me ur having tuiiton wid him after mine failed. Trying to rub it in my face. I have to say, i underestimated you. Ur really good at all these games, that i have to give it to you.

Anyhow, i dont really have time or any energy left to even think about how to react to what ur doing because im tired. Looking at the piles of homework i have due to the practices that i missed class for...that's what i should be doing. I gave my word to my mom saying i would work hard and i will. If it's right i will do it..but you have to give ne some time to deal with the changes and get used to it. It's tough nowadays and im not saying it's not the same like ur time but it's just different and we both know it.

I have to apologised to Cheah for not able to reply you and have a decent conversation wid you. I know it's been weeks since we talked. I'm sorry.. alright? Dont be angry wid me.

Also, Stephie n Jules.. u guys have been there for me.. I appreciate it. xD

life has gone so messed up that i dnt seem to be able to find my way out anymore. i wish you guys were here. i feel so f***ed up right now.