last nite. it happened again. what am i supposed to do now? am i really that ungrateful? am i really that stupid and not worth it? i feel so unloved by my families. everything has always been a lie hasnt it? the craziest thing is that im still here when i should have long gone away.
all i wanna do now is just to celebrate my burfdaii on friday and have at least some good time. the fact that u couldnt make it tomorrow hurts alot. just wont tell you face to face it's because ur so cold to me nowadays that i dont even know if we're still trying to make it work.
i just wish sometimes i could be invisible. be isolated from everyone for a bit then it wouldnt feel tat bad i guess. I really wanna know how does it feel to be invisible.
have been talking to yew kwan for almost 3 hours. thank god i had yew kwan to talk to today, vin and wei ( tuition ) victor ( busy la aiyorh ) ka-shing ( i seriously dont know what he wants ) joshie ( not on yet ) stephie ( went to EUROPE EDI ..without mii ><>
fell in love wid the song..last christmas by ashley tisdale. it felt like CZ* even tho it's a long time.
in less than 8 hours...my bday will be here >< =] cant wait for MV
Many Thanks To ><
Ivin Babe. Weishin Dear. Nic and Leon. for * will * making this happen. <3>< * gg/.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
lack of..
i dont know what i should do now. was on stickam with jules and conor but didnt feel like staying any longer. kinda boring today. so0oo0 i guess i'll make a blog today. but what am i gona say? ><
lack of attention.
having lack of attention can make u wan attention from people and by that means, doing stupid and crazy things to get people's attention. i used to be like that. i am still sometimes but i've learn that this isnt a good habit so im gona stop it. but sometimes u cant help it but wanting attention right ? ><>
lack of attentiveness
i've begining not to pay attention in class and things that i do. Like all of a sudden, i just lost the spirit to study. whenever im in class, and when the teacher is teaching, i just dont seem to pay attention. my grades are falling down like OMG n to be honest, i dont really care bout my studies but i want to. i just dont know how to anymore.
lack of sanity
i've lost my sanity. WHY DO I SAY SO? it's because i've been doing insane stuffs like cutting myself and taking uncountable panadols for nothing. i lock myself in the room whenever i come home. i never smile anymore. i never seem to be happy anymore. i never screamed at my mom before but i changed that fact last 2 nights. what the f* is wrong wid me??
lack of security.
lately, i've been so insecure. everyday day. now and then, i cant help but thinking im gona lose something. someone. things that i love and treasure most. i have lost my faith in most of the things.
somehow i really wanna continue to write this blog but tears just suddenly keep coming out and i think i better stop before i wet the laptop. i miss victor soo much. i miss jules so much. i miss stephie soo much. i miss people that i love soo much. wish u were right here now. then i wouldnt have to feel so alone and left out. im so scared.
lack of attention.
having lack of attention can make u wan attention from people and by that means, doing stupid and crazy things to get people's attention. i used to be like that. i am still sometimes but i've learn that this isnt a good habit so im gona stop it. but sometimes u cant help it but wanting attention right ? ><>
lack of attentiveness
i've begining not to pay attention in class and things that i do. Like all of a sudden, i just lost the spirit to study. whenever im in class, and when the teacher is teaching, i just dont seem to pay attention. my grades are falling down like OMG n to be honest, i dont really care bout my studies but i want to. i just dont know how to anymore.
lack of sanity
i've lost my sanity. WHY DO I SAY SO? it's because i've been doing insane stuffs like cutting myself and taking uncountable panadols for nothing. i lock myself in the room whenever i come home. i never smile anymore. i never seem to be happy anymore. i never screamed at my mom before but i changed that fact last 2 nights. what the f* is wrong wid me??
lack of security.
lately, i've been so insecure. everyday day. now and then, i cant help but thinking im gona lose something. someone. things that i love and treasure most. i have lost my faith in most of the things.
somehow i really wanna continue to write this blog but tears just suddenly keep coming out and i think i better stop before i wet the laptop. i miss victor soo much. i miss jules so much. i miss stephie soo much. i miss people that i love soo much. wish u were right here now. then i wouldnt have to feel so alone and left out. im so scared.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
hanging on a thin thread
she can't love u like how i did.
she can't kiss u like how i did.
she cant touch u like how i did.
there's nothing that i want more than some chocolate fudge and a nice massage. there are many stuffs that i need to do this whole 2 weeks of hols. homeworks first. revision. mostly are related to school. i dont know how else i can do this. just seems like nothing is going right. i mean, i tried looking at it in a positive way. but it just wont work. like mom and dad, they WOULD NEVER KNOW. it's very obvious that im feeling soo much pain and it's partially coz of them and yet they just keep doing it.
like last night. was supposed to sing karaoke with mom after coming back from JUSCO. i asked her for the first time, which cd does she wants. she never reply. I ask her the SECOND time. no reply again. the third time i asked her, which CD does she wants then she answer me. the same one as the earlier one. ( we used so many CD earlier the day, how the hell am i supposed to know which one?) so i asked her. there was soo many cd, which want? she got pissed. and threw the microphone on me and said. FINE DONT SING!
i just sat there like wtf?? im supposed to be the one being angry and yet she threw the microphone on me?? so, to avoid further arguements, i went upstairs and didnt come down. this morning, she woke up and came downstairs and asked me why i was so moody, why didnt i wished her good morning? SEE HOW PEOPLE CAN JUST PRETEND LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED EVEN THO SOMETHING FUCKING HAPPEN!
earlier this month i was soo eager to celebrate my brithday, but with this all happening, i dont have the mood anymore. i dont think i care so much bout my birthday anymore. Probably dad doesnt even know that next friday is my birthday. he doesnt even know how old i am!! had the guts to ask me. x{
sometimes i just feel like leaving. Leaving everything behind and just run away and go somewhere where no one knows me and just start all over again. then, i would feel more belong. because seriously i dont feel belong here anymore. like what jules and stephie say, sometimes friends cant top most stuff. ( eveen though i love u guys alot!! ) i guess i need to get away and really go clear out things and find a clearer picture of what everything has happened.
maybe i will. no matter, it would definitely be better than what i have now. at this moment, i finally realise, i cannot pretend anymore. i cannot pretend that everything is alright anymore. because IT ISNT!!
she can't kiss u like how i did.
she cant touch u like how i did.
there's nothing that i want more than some chocolate fudge and a nice massage. there are many stuffs that i need to do this whole 2 weeks of hols. homeworks first. revision. mostly are related to school. i dont know how else i can do this. just seems like nothing is going right. i mean, i tried looking at it in a positive way. but it just wont work. like mom and dad, they WOULD NEVER KNOW. it's very obvious that im feeling soo much pain and it's partially coz of them and yet they just keep doing it.
like last night. was supposed to sing karaoke with mom after coming back from JUSCO. i asked her for the first time, which cd does she wants. she never reply. I ask her the SECOND time. no reply again. the third time i asked her, which CD does she wants then she answer me. the same one as the earlier one. ( we used so many CD earlier the day, how the hell am i supposed to know which one?) so i asked her. there was soo many cd, which want? she got pissed. and threw the microphone on me and said. FINE DONT SING!
i just sat there like wtf?? im supposed to be the one being angry and yet she threw the microphone on me?? so, to avoid further arguements, i went upstairs and didnt come down. this morning, she woke up and came downstairs and asked me why i was so moody, why didnt i wished her good morning? SEE HOW PEOPLE CAN JUST PRETEND LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED EVEN THO SOMETHING FUCKING HAPPEN!
earlier this month i was soo eager to celebrate my brithday, but with this all happening, i dont have the mood anymore. i dont think i care so much bout my birthday anymore. Probably dad doesnt even know that next friday is my birthday. he doesnt even know how old i am!! had the guts to ask me. x{
sometimes i just feel like leaving. Leaving everything behind and just run away and go somewhere where no one knows me and just start all over again. then, i would feel more belong. because seriously i dont feel belong here anymore. like what jules and stephie say, sometimes friends cant top most stuff. ( eveen though i love u guys alot!! ) i guess i need to get away and really go clear out things and find a clearer picture of what everything has happened.
maybe i will. no matter, it would definitely be better than what i have now. at this moment, i finally realise, i cannot pretend anymore. i cannot pretend that everything is alright anymore. because IT ISNT!!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
whatever..
today was pretty tiring. totally skipped most of the classes today..and gone to counselling. Told her most of the things that i pretty much am dealing with right now. been talking to daddy the whole day ever since i got back from school. i seriously dont know what have i turn into.
and the thing about the website..it's getting adddictive and i know it's not right but still i did it. " whatever i did, stays online " excuse is not good enough for what has happened. haihhh so wish i someone i could turn to instead of going to that stupid website.
lucky jules! lucky stephie! XOXOXOXOXOXO
havent been eating in a while and probably wont be for anytime soon. probably just let me die off like that right now. then i wnt have to deal with all these crap! soo hate it right now ={
and the thing about the website..it's getting adddictive and i know it's not right but still i did it. " whatever i did, stays online " excuse is not good enough for what has happened. haihhh so wish i someone i could turn to instead of going to that stupid website.
lucky jules! lucky stephie! XOXOXOXOXOXO
havent been eating in a while and probably wont be for anytime soon. probably just let me die off like that right now. then i wnt have to deal with all these crap! soo hate it right now ={
Sunday, May 18, 2008
sorry babe
jules
sorry babe, didnt know u had a row with ur parents last night but i waited for u the whole night, could have at least told me. not everything revolves around me, yeah i know it doesnt. Dont want it ever to be too. hope ur okay. really sorry if i wasnt understanding enough. didnt mean it. had a bad too last night, wish u were there to talk to
sorry babe, didnt know u had a row with ur parents last night but i waited for u the whole night, could have at least told me. not everything revolves around me, yeah i know it doesnt. Dont want it ever to be too. hope ur okay. really sorry if i wasnt understanding enough. didnt mean it. had a bad too last night, wish u were there to talk to
Saturday, May 17, 2008
time to party XD
had a rough start. went to cahaya for the luncheon thingy due honouring the play " the Phantom of The Opera ". everything was going on well until some stupid bitch provoke us calling us sluts and showing us bloody middle finger. she has no idea that what she is dealing with. the only reason she is probably is still alive is because i havent cut her off yet.
Thankgod Shaun was there to hold Jules up before she did anything that could stupid. im actually happy that everything about the phantom is over and not because i hate it . I LOVE IT.. it's just, u cant be stuck at one phase forever, gotta move on and wait for better things to come.
the day before, we celebrate Teacher's Day. It was a nice day. I enjoyed the SILVER FLARE's performances and the teachers as well. It was so entertaining. The teachers really enjoyed themselves, i think that was the happiest day of all teachers. U GUYS ARE THE BEST.
picture time xD
jules and me
getting all emo-ed up
it's me
jules and me again xD
superman
XP
it's us again
i come in peace yay!
halleluyah
caught red handed! ahaha
can't get enough
gotcha this time..u can't run no more wakakakaka
one and only me xP
kisses forever!
too much fun lex! bilah,adam,farhan and khaleel..can't get enough of the phantom huh?? xD
Thursday, May 15, 2008
omg..it has been a long long time since we had arguements.. stupid ARGUEMENTS!!. I guess ur the only person that can actually make me laugh. OMG remember those times.. 5 oclock IN THE MORNING?? it feels like it was just yesterday. life has definitely been better with you in it. Not just being a friend, but also someone to turn to whenever i have problems * yes, i do tell u all the stuffs and no ur not being perasan* lol what will i do without you one day. i mean i can't see a day where i wont rant and tell u everything or whatsoever im feeeling. Of course i do have my girlfriends to tell everything to. like stephie and jules and all. but the thing is.. i dont know. anyhow, im grateful to have u as someone who is part of my life.
LOVE YA ALWAYS...
* can u believe it though, it's been a year plus since we've known each other and it just feels like it was recently. xD xD daddy khai :D * may not be as thoughtful as u think, but i still remember ur name .. xx
LOVE YA ALWAYS...
* can u believe it though, it's been a year plus since we've known each other and it just feels like it was recently. xD xD daddy khai :D * may not be as thoughtful as u think, but i still remember ur name .. xx
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
bout dear.bout me.bout him.bout everything.
when i saw ur face, couldnt help but cry
thought i got over you but clearly i wasnt even close to it.
trying to control my feelings but can't help but looking back
looking towards u again hoping somehow u'll tell me one day
you love me as much as i did
feeling sick and sick and sick. trying to get over the fact that the POTO is over. NO WAY!! everything just happened so quickly and before we could even stop it, it was over already. luckily everyone's still tight together. heard about the china earthquake :S JUST HANG ON PEOPLE IN CHINA!
studying sej now and i really really cant get it in my head. totally gona need the extra tutoring with jules and stephie. practically now when im in class, i feel so dumb because most of the time i dont know what the teacher is talking about but feeling bad if i asked the teacher to explain all over again, it'll hold back everyone. not fair to the others. probably have to come back to school for extra classes during the holidays. ( just told mom about it but scolded me for telling her now while she's playing mahjong. wth? )
hmm dont know what else to update except i miss my dear so much now xD
probably god thinks that it's time to move on from him, so He sent u to me de dear. lolx cant imagine that just merely of 4 months knowing each other, we're becoming so tight together that i dont feel like separating from u lerh. whenever ur not around i just miss u soo much that it hurts. wanting to call you just to hear ur voice but afraid it's too much for u. learning all these stuffs slowly so ya have to be patient with me all the time. so sorry orh. ur always the one who's waiting for me to come on, waiting for me to come back from school.. always WAIITNG lol xP really wish to see dear soon. hope to see ya on my bday :P
we're not together though. needing time to forget him, got u suffering really makes me feel so guilty. u tell me ur not angry at the fact that i still love him but i know ur really really unhappy deep down. i hope one day this all will pay off. we're gona be together one day xD looking upon those days. being loved by you is the greatest present u can ever give to me. lolx
thought i got over you but clearly i wasnt even close to it.
trying to control my feelings but can't help but looking back
looking towards u again hoping somehow u'll tell me one day
you love me as much as i did
feeling sick and sick and sick. trying to get over the fact that the POTO is over. NO WAY!! everything just happened so quickly and before we could even stop it, it was over already. luckily everyone's still tight together. heard about the china earthquake :S JUST HANG ON PEOPLE IN CHINA!
studying sej now and i really really cant get it in my head. totally gona need the extra tutoring with jules and stephie. practically now when im in class, i feel so dumb because most of the time i dont know what the teacher is talking about but feeling bad if i asked the teacher to explain all over again, it'll hold back everyone. not fair to the others. probably have to come back to school for extra classes during the holidays. ( just told mom about it but scolded me for telling her now while she's playing mahjong. wth? )
hmm dont know what else to update except i miss my dear so much now xD
probably god thinks that it's time to move on from him, so He sent u to me de dear. lolx cant imagine that just merely of 4 months knowing each other, we're becoming so tight together that i dont feel like separating from u lerh. whenever ur not around i just miss u soo much that it hurts. wanting to call you just to hear ur voice but afraid it's too much for u. learning all these stuffs slowly so ya have to be patient with me all the time. so sorry orh. ur always the one who's waiting for me to come on, waiting for me to come back from school.. always WAIITNG lol xP really wish to see dear soon. hope to see ya on my bday :P
we're not together though. needing time to forget him, got u suffering really makes me feel so guilty. u tell me ur not angry at the fact that i still love him but i know ur really really unhappy deep down. i hope one day this all will pay off. we're gona be together one day xD looking upon those days. being loved by you is the greatest present u can ever give to me. lolx
Friday, May 9, 2008
the last time..
sometimes i just feel like there is no else but myself. U can never trust anyone with ur secrets, ur feelings, urself. No one ELSE but only you.
all this while, i've been hurt.thrown around.scolded.bitched about. and i know it all sums up and there are many people who are far more worst than what im feeling now but i have feelings too. U people need not understand me or listen to me but at least treat me with respect. JUst like everyone else. Im no different. Im not an animal. Im just someone who wants to be respect.
im not gona mention names but i think u know who u are. u gotta leave me alone. this is the only the last time im taking in ur shits and whatever. doesnt mean that i tolerate u and keep quiet everytime u do it, it means i dont care and u can just continue doing it. ITS NOT RIGHT TO FUCKING BACKSTAB PEOPLE!! BARE IN MIND.
if u want me to respect u, first of alll u gotta learn to respect me.
oh yeah, dear im so sorry that i didnt talk to you just now. Didnt mean to. Didnt want u to know soo much about all this. most of all, didnt want u to worry. =[
wish u were here now.
all this while, i've been hurt.thrown around.scolded.bitched about. and i know it all sums up and there are many people who are far more worst than what im feeling now but i have feelings too. U people need not understand me or listen to me but at least treat me with respect. JUst like everyone else. Im no different. Im not an animal. Im just someone who wants to be respect.
im not gona mention names but i think u know who u are. u gotta leave me alone. this is the only the last time im taking in ur shits and whatever. doesnt mean that i tolerate u and keep quiet everytime u do it, it means i dont care and u can just continue doing it. ITS NOT RIGHT TO FUCKING BACKSTAB PEOPLE!! BARE IN MIND.
if u want me to respect u, first of alll u gotta learn to respect me.
oh yeah, dear im so sorry that i didnt talk to you just now. Didnt mean to. Didnt want u to know soo much about all this. most of all, didnt want u to worry. =[
wish u were here now.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
something.somewhere
it's another 5 minutes before i gotta go to school. Just realise i didn finish my bio assignment. Gona have to rush it in school or else.. gona stay outta the class! Everything has just gone so crazy. I dont know why. Somehow, when things seems to get better, something bad always happen. Not only me but to people around me. Is it me? The one that brings the bad luck to people around me, people whom i care and love.
Gona go now..getting late
I'll try and post one when i get back from school :P
Gona go now..getting late
I'll try and post one when i get back from school :P
Love Love Love
i miss the practises we have for the play.It's almost 2 weeks now since the play is over. It has alot of good times. Everyone had fun and of course there's always ups and downs. Fortunately, everyone of us hold on to each and everyone..and finally put up a good show!
homeworks..plenty coming in. Gonna do them now and then waiting for baobei de phone call :P
homeworks..plenty coming in. Gonna do them now and then waiting for baobei de phone call :P
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